Mellisa McNulty
Mellisa McNulty is no newbie to the entertainment industry. She owns her own modeling company, and has been a model for years. However, she was set to break into millions of homes on CBS's Survivor until she found herself faced with a dilemma, and a choice to make. While she made the choice not to continue on the show, Mellisa has also made the choice to speak up about her battle with panic attacks.
The Star Scoop:
Tell us about yourself, and then what's been going on in your life recently...the Survivor experience.
Mellisa McNulty
I was raised on a farm in Northern California. I lived there until I was fourteen years old, and literally on a farm. Pigs, goats, you name it. I moved to start high school and I've been in Los Angeles ever since. I've been modeling on and off for about ten years now. I started my own management company back in 2004, which is called MCM Management, and it's an agency where I manage models.
The Star Scoop:
Can you tell us more about the modeling agency?
McNulty:
Up and coming models. It's in the Los Angeles area, so we do a lot of fashion, live fashion shows, live runway shows, commercial print. I don't do any acting, it's all models.
The Star Scoop:
Is there advice you have for people who want to break into modeling?
McNulty:
It's all about confidence and what you want to do with yourself. I have an array of girls that I work with, and I definitely encourage them to be healthy, which means practicing yoga and doing whatever it takes to make yourself feel good and be healthy. In terms of dieting, I actually turned down a campaign for a dieting pill, where I had one of my girls go out and try out for it, and she got it. I actually encouraged her not to take it, because she's a very thin girl, naturally, genetically. I think she comes from great genes, she has a very high metabolism and I think that it's not appropriate for her to do an ad like that saying if you take this magic pill that you're going to be thin like that. I'm completely against that. You do have a lot of young girls that come to you and want to get into the industry and don't know how to get there. My strongest word of advice is you have to have a head on your shoulders, and to have other things going on and have this be something that's secondary. It scares me sometimes, when the girls, it's a primary goal just to be a supermodel. Most of the girls I work with have a lot of other things going on. Just confident girls. I think you've got to come into it confident, otherwise it can be a very rough industry.
The Star Scoop:
So, continue with your story.
McNulty:
I also have a production services company, the less glamorous side of it...a television production service, so we do teleprompting and lighting and sound and all that fun stuff. It's kind of like an equipment leasing business. So, plugging away doing those two things. I met a girl out at a bar in Hollywood, a mutual friend had known her. I don't know how we got into such a deep conversation, but we got into a very deep conversation and at the end of the night, she gave me her business card and said, would you ever consider trying out for Survivor I think you would be awesome. And I said, I'm not so sure about that, and I really didn't think about it. And I went home that night, and I actually went to Blockbuster to try and find the latest Survivor. I'd seen Survivor before, but I really wanted to get a feel for exactly what the game was. I went to three different stores before I found it, and I went home and I watched it that night by myself. Personally at that point in time in my life, I don't know why she gave me her business card, but I felt like this is something I needed to do. I've been through many challenges in my life, been through rough situations, and I said, if I had an opportunity for 40 days, by choice to not eat and do these things, I was suffering from the panic attacks at the time...and I said what better way could I get over these things then put myself in the worst possible scenario I could, and that's just the kind of person I am.
The Star Scoop:
And what happened from there?
McNulty:
I shared I was having panic attacks with the producers. They put me through an extensive interview session with their on-site psychologist. They, along with my own therapist, they decided I was ready to play the game. Even my pre-interview stuff, all of them, I was very open about the panic attacks. I felt it was something that was going to be a negative thing if I players found out. Normally I can talk myself out of them, I can breathe through them, I have all kinds of techniques that I use to get out of these situations. What I wasn't anticipating is having three panic attacks in one day, and that was far more than I could handle. It was before the game started. I can only guess what triggered them, but every situation is a little bit different. I knew I had to share it with the producers because I had to pre-warn them, this is what's going to happen, and when it does happen, I'm not going to die. They asked me, specifically, what happens if you do [have a panic attack]. My hands get extremely sweaty, my chest becomes absolutely beet red, I breathe very heavily, to the point of hyperventilation, and the immediate need to get out of whatever situation I'm in. It doesn't matter what it is, when I'm having panic attacks, I feel the need to get out, and if I don't get out, I am going to die. It's very hard for me to explain to people in a clam state that I'm in right now, exactly how intense it really feels. It is so intense, and it's very hard for somebody to explain. 40 million Americans suffer from panic disorder. It's a very real thing. It's the number one adult disorder in America. So, why don't people talk about it? Why are they embarrassed to talk about it? If anything's come out of this experience, I've had close friends of mine, three cousins of mine call me and say, we go through the same thing. Why don't we know these things? Why don't we talk about these things? Why can't we help each other? I don't understand why it's such an embarrassing thing and people label you. I feel like I put myself in the public eye. I've had the most positive emails from people. For me, I've succeeded in something. Everybody went there for a specific reason, different reasons, mine was to conquer my panic attacks. I feel like I've pushed my limits. The only way you ever conquer anything in life is to push yourself and to know how far you can go and I do that in everything in my life. I think that the whole aspect of eating the bugs, living outside, I've been through worse conditions than that. So for me, that wasn't something that I was worried about. I had great training before I went. I was excited about it. I know I could have done that. It is disheartening that I wasn't able to do it because of panic attacks. It makes me angry.
The Star Scoop:
So you decided you needed to quit?
McNulty:
The day that I had my first panic attack, it was earlier in the morning. We were still in isolation; we had no idea when the game was going to start, which is part of the game. You really don't know where you're going. We didn't know where we were flying to until we got to the airport. You really don't know what's going on. I had one panic attack in the morning, and I didn't share it with anybody. I sat in where I was, and I talked myself down from it and felt the need to get out of the situation I was in, kind of went for a little walk by myself, which you're not even really supposed to do. Did that, pulled myself out of it, and a couple hours later, I experienced the same thing, and I wasn't able to tame it. They give you coordinators that you're allowed to speak with, and I went and grabbed my coordinator, and I said, I really need to speak with you. She could tell that I was extremely upset. I went and spoke with the on-set psychologist, and about an hour later I had another one, and I just could not pull myself out of it. I don't think I've ever cried so hard in my life, I was so scared because it does feel like you don't have control of your body. They needed to call the producers to let them know what was going on, and one of the producers [came] in, and they basically asked me are you in, are you out, and I said, I don't think I'm in any state to complete this. I don't know why I can't get a hold of myself; I was very distraught. They didn't push me either way to stay or to go. They really wanted what was best for me and I absolutely appreciate that. They did not make me feel bad about it, they didn't pressure me to just stay. Rumors have it that the game started the very next morning, but I have no way of knowing that. I flew home the next day. I don't know when they started. If I would have known it was starting the next morning, maybe I would have been able to make it. I think it was being in a confined space, not speaking to anybody for a long period of time, reading every single book that I brought, my iPod was out of batteries. For somebody who suffers from panic, and the need to get out, and you know you can't get out, just, far more than I could handle.
The Star Scoop:
What do you do now from here?
McNulty:
I think that first and foremost, I'm able to fly in a plane right now, and I'm not having panic attacks. I'm able to ride in the back seat of a car right now. I could not do that before I left. It was very bizarre for about six months, before I started Survivor. I don't know what it was. It was just new things, and I just had this boundary. I just felt the need to get out if I were in the back seat of a car. So, a lot of stuff, good happened for me because of pressing my limits and knowing my boundaries and knowing I'm not going to die in this situation. I think that from here, I've been able to talk to friends, co-workers, family, a couple of the people that have interviewed me have shared information with me that they indeed suffer from it. For me, going from here, is just to be open about it, and I hope I can talk about it. I hope I can help people at least communicate and find alternate ways to deal with it. I am not against medicine. I have chosen not to take that route but I think what I've gained from this experience, is I'm a stronger person, hold my head up a little bit higher from the experience, take every piece of criticism with stride, and know that I'm a good person. I don't think I walked away ever with a negative taste in my mouth from doing the show. CBS just wanted what was best for me, and I really appreciate that.
The Star Scoop:
What can you advise people to do if they're in that state of feeling like they're never going to get any help or there's no way out of this?
McNulty:
For those people, I would just say, press your limits. Don't not go ride in a plane because you know you're going to have a panic attack. Don't not sit in the back of a car. Press your limits. Go ride in an elevator. I went and sat in the elevator at the Beverly Center about fifty times up and down the elevator because I was petrified of elevators. I think you should deal with it head on, and know your boundaries, know your limits, but don't let it run your life. How dare I let this silly disorder run my life? I'm in charge. I definitely was letting this thing run my life, and I wasn't talking to anybody about it. I would encourage people to talk to people about it. You will be surprised by how many people actually deal with the same things you deal with, and that somehow makes you feel better. It makes you feel like, I get it. It is a real thing. You should feel comfortable talking about it. Talk to your family about it, talk to your friends about it. It happens to kids. Talk to your school teacher about it. Test your limits and talk to people about it.